Clutching Dead Leaves

It has been 2 years since I wrote this. This is documentation of a vision I feel the Lord gave me. Today, I came across it. Reading it still brings tears to my eyes. I love how the Lord works. His transforming work is real in my life. The transition into motherhood is probably the greatest and most difficult transition I will ever go through in my life. I am so grateful for the Lord’s perfect timing.

Clutching Dead Leaves

Written Fall 2009

I pray some mornings on my way to meetings and appointments. It was mid-October, it was early, and there had been an intense frost the night before. I was on my way to our first women’s breakfast. This particular morning, I found myself praying and before I knew it my prayer became an angry rant. I was ranting about the weather; the cold, freezing weather. I found myself reasoning with God over why He would allow the frost to come so suddenly. I had just adapted to it being autumn, I love seasons. I love the way each season takes it course and how each season has different characteristics: different weather, different scenery, different activities. I love all of it…even cold weather. But a frost in October somehow sent me over the edge. I wanted the full experience of fall. Now, it was sure to be cut short.

So there I was ranting to God over the bitterness in my heart toward the weather, which now seems rather silly, and I heard God whisper to my soul. He gently told me about the beauty of seasons: how the spring brings beautiful, new life after the winter; how the summer continues to blossom and fruit appears; how fall is a season of change where life completes its cycle and prepares for winter, which is sure to be cold and dead but somehow has a beauty of its own. He told me that for spring to come there must be a winter. For new growth to appear, it must go through a season of death…

Tears welled in my eyes as He gently told me all this. In my mind, He took me through all the seasons of the tree. I love trees. I love their symbolism in the Bible. I love the way they change, grow, and produce. He showed me the trees in the spring, green with new leaves and buds waiting to bloom. He showed me trees in the summer: blossoming, green, fruitful. He showed me trees in the fall, rich with their red, yellow, and brown leaves. He showed me the trees in winter: bear, frozen, and dormant.

My plea continued as I shared with God my desire to see the leaves fall from the trees in their own time, not because of an untimely frost. God told me that sometimes trees need help letting go of their leaves. God then asked me what the dead leaves in my life were…The tears spilled over at this point. I was weeping because there were so many ‘dead leaves’ I was gripping with a tight fist. I began confessing my sin and handing over my burden to the Lord. I was struggling in so many domains of my life. I was struggling with personal pride and the way it was affecting my relationships. I was working vigorously, homemaking on a budget. I was weary with worrying and agonizing over the future. I was tired…very tired. I was in disarray with a convoluted schedule. I was wavering in faith concerning God’s promise to provide for us.

But the biggest area I was vexed in was motherhood…I was wrestling with my deep desire to be a mother and if God would be pleased with me if I wasn’t doing full-time vocational ministry. I had contrasting desires. I wanted to be with students all the time but my heart was crying out for a deep longing to be fulfilled. God showed me that my desire is and always has been to be a mother. He revealed that holding onto the full-time ministry I was doing in the capacity I was doing it in was like dead leaves compared to the full-time ministry of parenting. He showed me that I was squeezing tightly to something beautiful…but not meant to last forever…only a season.

Freedom enveloped me as I wept. I was free to allow my heart to open and my dreams and desires to flow out. Yet at the same time, a great sadness filled my heart as I thought of the idea of not being able to do the job I loved in this capacity. The Lord is so gentle. He revealed to me that there must be a winter before the spring. The winter may be long, cold, lifeless, but there is great beauty in it. It is the end of a cycle, the end of seasons. When it is over, new and wonderful life appears. I believe that He is moving through the season of winter right now. I anticipate the spring but I am taking great joy in going through the winter. Although there is great sorrow in losing a cycle of seasons that were wonderful and unique, there is great expectancy for what the next cycle holds…but first, you must release the dead leaves.

How incredible that just a few months later, we would find out we were expecting. And now 2 years later, I have a 1 year old. Just yesterday, we had our first snow of the season. Seasons are changing again and it makes me remember how beautiful transition can be but also how difficult it is. I would never trade what I have now. Thank you Jesus for the gift of motherhood.