lessons from Selah

Have you read the story behind Selah’s name?

As I wrote, Selah’s name was given to us by the Lord. It fits her. Her name is also a constant reminder to me. I can see how the Lord has used the meaning of her name in my life while trying to conceive, pregnancy, and then labor and birth. He is still using her name.

While Selah is a pretty content baby, she is also not really an “easy” baby. She’s not necessarily a “textbook” baby. She is a puzzle…one I am still trying to work out. Mostly, its her sleep that remains a quandary. Isn’t it amazing how much revolves around sleep when you have a newborn?

Here’s just a summary of the sleep struggle we have had with Selah. She was such a great sleeper/napper until we got the flu – which is also when the newborn “honeymoon” phase tends to end. Then she was a pickle. She would cry as I swaddled her. She wouldn’t fall asleep for her naps on her own anymore. She would cry and have a hard time settling down. Unlike with Bella, rocking didn’t help her go down easier. Then she wouldn’t stay asleep long. We tried to let her cry….that didn’t work either. I tried leaving her unswaddled and that also didn’t work. She would get exhausted from not sleeping all day and she’d sleep well at night. She would also sleep fairly well when we were out and about. I was growing weary of it. Our days had no predictability to them and with a 2 year old, some type of schedule is a must. A friend suggested I just see if she might like sleeping on her tummy. She did and it was a huge answer to prayer…until she started rolling. Then she would (and still does) wake up 45 minutes into nap time and roll on her back and refuse to go back to sleep. This became a bigger problem when she started doing this at night…my only “saving grace”. And so the sleep dilemma continues. She still rolls at around 4 in the morning. Or sometimes, 2, 4, and 6 am…

Sorry for jabbering on about sleep….every mom with a newborn naturally has sleep on the brain because we’re losing it..and by it, I mean sleep (maybe our minds too).

So I have a confession to make. After Bella was born, I used the major life change to put the Lord on the back burner. I believe that our relationship was going to “change” a bit with motherhood. I wouldn’t have hours and hours to spend with the Lord. Sleep would become more precious. My brain would fly out the window and I wouldn’t be able to hold my train of thought. All of that is normal. Completely. It takes a bit to adjust to a new normal. But instead of adjusting, I just kept making excuses and withdrawing. Excuses to turn from the Lord in the hard times instead of toward Him. If I could use one word to describe my attitude for the last few years, it would be self righteous.

Yup, self righteous. 

Motherhood brings a need for wisdom. Wisdom comes from the Lord. Too often though, in times of trial, I turn inward and look to myself for wisdom and for answers. I would get anxious and doubt takes over. This is another good time to turn to the Lord…in times of doubt. Instead, I find my default (as a stinkin’ sinner) is to spin my own wheels and “try harder” to come up with answers myself. Trying harder on my own strength – that’s self righteousness….like its all up to me.

With self-righteousness came a complacency. I allowed my walk to grow stagnant. I would call on the Lord when I needed Him but often I would just do nothing…I would choose other things before Him. Have you ever heard of the principle of “grow or die”? The idea is that you are either growing or dying – just like, say, a flower. You can’t truly remain “stagnant”. I think I alternated between dying and growing a lot these last few years…but often on the dying side.

I came to realize this when I was pregnant. The back pain brought new lows that forced me to turn to Him. During my final trimester, the Lord drew me to Him. He gently showed me the error of my ways and the big sin that stood in the way of me drawing close to Him. I had to release “self” and allow Him to sustain me. This has been a journey. Isn’t it funny how we cling to our sin? We forget that we are better off without it.

Back to Selah and sleep…

The Lord has used Selah’s sleep trouble to bring me to Him. Like her name, He is calling me to “pause”. He is calling me to go to Him first. He is revealing my weakness and asking me to allow Him to be my strength. He is beckoning me to look to Him first for wisdom. To pray. I struggle with praying. I struggle with whether He will answer me and whether it makes a difference. The Lord wants to meet me in my doubt. He wants to cultivate our relationship through prayer and He (like He so often does) is using trials to remind me to pray. He’s using others (my mama mostly) to remind me to pray and ask for wisdom. He’s using 4 am to remind me to pray.

And you know what….

He’s answering.

In several ways. He’s giving me wisdom. Most of all, He’s giving me peace. He’s gently leading me. He’s giving me rest. He’s removing my burden. He’s speaking to me. And I’m learning to listen.

And you know what He said to me today:

My grace is sufficient for you. My power works best in your weakness.

I’m clinging to this. I treasure these words in my heart and He continually brings them to mind throughout the day. Slowly (very slowly), I’m seeing my walls of self-righteousness break down.

Oh Lord. I praise you for you are not a silent God. Forgive me for not listening and living out of my own self righteousness. I confess I have neglected you and our relationship. Thank you that because of Jesus, our relationship is continually restored, no matter how much or how often I mess up. Lord, help me to be still. Please teach me to listen. Remind me to go to you first. Help me with my doubt, oh Lord. Thank you for desiring relationship with me. I love you. Amen.